How to Be a Good Neighbor [A Rant]

So, I've been sitting here at my computer for quite some time now in the middle of a quandary and feeling the beginnings of a guilt spiral starting. I just keep looking at the blog and thinking, "Oh god!!!!! I have only one post and it was from days ago!!! I think that means I need to write another one!!!! But I don't know what to write about!!!!" [And yes, just so you know, I do think with that many exclamation points.]

I mean really how can I possibly top the absolute sheer brilliance of that first post?!? I can't think of any way to bring in Shakespeare or Jane Austen--which I'm sure will either severely disappoint or perhaps relieve my readers, I have nothing more to say about that powder blue diary and its cute padlock, except perhaps to curse it for getting me into this mess in the first place, and yet, I still feel the pressure of, having started this endeavor, needing to at least make a stab at continuing. Sigh.

So, I sit and stare and think and end up begging, "Please for the love of all that is good in this world, send me some sign--some possible topic that can take up more than five sentences!!!!!" [Yes, in addition to the exclamation points, my thoughts trend toward the melodramatic.] It gets to the point where I'm actually contemplating discussing the fluffy kitties (like the one who insists that he wants to sit on my desk and practically on my computer as I write this), when what to my wondering ears should I hear . . . ?

[ Sorry to those of you who voted for the prancing and pawing of reindeer on my roof, but that wasn't it. Santa would be an awesome sign from all that is good in the world, but unfortunately, it is totally the wrong season for it. However, I did manage to get some literary reference in here after all--whoo-hoo! Shout out to Clement Clarke Moore!!!]

I heard a rumbling in the distance, a rumbling that grew progressively louder--and probably changed in frequency due to the Doppler effect (but I won't go into the science right now). It wasn't thunder, so no lightning bolts being thrown my way from on high. Nope, it was the sound of large plastic wheels rolling furiously on asphalt. And yes, there through the window I could see them--a parade of big wheels, bicycles, and small motorized vehicles otherwise known as the neighborhood children.

My neighborhood is somewhat known for being inhabited by people who must have ALL the gadgets and goodies available. Everyone has a boat or a motor home or a couple of four-wheelers parked in the garage or, more likely, on the street, and several people have all of the above. Any given Thursday, aka garbage day, each family drags out their fifteen garbage cans and an additional pile of cardboard boxes which recently contained a brand new flatscreen TV or an even better version of the vacuum cleaner that they already owned--because when one spends all their time buying new things, they apparently have absolutely no time to even think about recycling anything. And I won't even get into the holiday decorations that go on here, but I will just say that if you have ever seen ANY inflatable holiday decoration resembling a snow globe or Frankenstein's monster, I'm pretty sure one of my neighbors owns it. How the heck I ended up in this neighborhood, I'm not sure, but let's just say that I don't exactly fit the mold!

Anyway, my point with that long rambling rant--because believe it or not, I did have a point!--is that the kids also own every possible gadget, particularly in the ever important area of childhood transportation needs. There are scooters, bikes, big wheels, trikes, wagons, and a plethora of motorized vehicles--pint sized jeeps, cars, Hummers, etc. which the children actually drive. While driving might indeed be a valuable skill for the average 15-year-old to practice, somehow I'm not seeing how applicable it is to 3-year-olds. And let me tell you, they are often not all that good at it. They crash trying to go over the curbs. They crash into each other. They crash into the drainage ditch in front of my house. I worry for their safety (not to mention my possible liability).

The worst part of the situation, however, is that they do 99% of their playing IN THE STREET, and I'm not kidding. I'm pretty sure their parents ARE actually telling them to go play in the road. In fact a couple of the parents have annoying plastic signs that they will put out in the middle of the street that say things like, "Slow! Children playing!" or "Please don't hit my children with your car!" or "Yes, I'm too dumbass to parent my children, so here they are as small moving targets for your driving pleasure!" It really makes me want to drive over them--the plastic signs, not the children.

And we aren't talking about 12-year-olds having a quick game of basketball on the corner (that's the next street over actually). No, these darling children are at the oldest probably 1st graders, but MOST of them are too young to have been inducted into the school system yet. So, I've got a bunch of 3-year-olds riding/driving, having sword fights, bouncing balls, running, and generally messing around IN THE ROAD--the road that I have to drive down to get to or from my house. I am seriously paranoid that I am going to hit one of the kids at some point. What do you say then? "I swear I'm a good neighbor, but unfortunately I appear to have killed or severely maimed your small child when he ran out into the street from between your huge boat and even huger motor home." I mean, with all the stuff they have parked out there, there's not much room to drive in the first place and then you have to keep an eye out for the littlies riding around in their own cars. It makes me drive down the street at the speed of an elderly woman who is too short to see over the steering wheel and compensates by creeping along at 2 miles per hour. Not that I want to drive like Speed Racer down my neighborhood streets, but still!

Additionally, the parents are also a part of my personal driving obstacle course. They stand around talking to each other in the street. They park their lawn chairs in the street to drink a beer and watch the kids get hit by my car. One morning I had to avoid a large metal fire pit that was in the road, and I'm not kidding about that either. Apparently I wasn't invited to the "Let's Sit in the Street and Roast Marshmallows" party the night before.

Therefore, since my neighbors haven't quite mastered the art of being good neighbors, I guess it falls on me to figure out how I can be a good neighbor to them. I'm thinking that it involves a) not killing any of their children with my car, b) trying to hold my tongue on Thursday and not give anyone a lecture on how recycling can be nice, c) not calling the cops to report the number of large vehicles parked illegally on the street [actually, I'm pretty sure someone else in the neighborhood has that one covered, since the police came this spring and knocked on the doors of the worst offenders, which helped for awhile], and d) refraining from any midnight missions with a knife to puncture the inflatable holiday decorations. I will, however, continue to give the people down the street who own a Hummer the evil eye when I drive by. Heck, I can't be a good neighbor all of the time!!!

[Whew!!! Post #2 is now officially out of the way! And I didn't even have to talk furry kitties! I'm saving those big guns for later!]